Posted by Ann Lee on Monday, December 11, 2017 Under: Readers
I don't usually go out or interact with someone I do not know. It may sound impolite to others but that's how I protect myself. I built high walls, not allowing anyone to see the fearful person behind them, because I do not want to get attached, to get hurt. I’ve been living in my comfort zone for a long time and stepping out of it is a really scary thing to do but for some reason, I did it yesterday.
Social events and gatherings drain my energy and soul that's why I rarely attend book signings. All my life, I’ve lived as the “timid” girl, avoiding the spotlight as much as possible, staying on the side lines and I’ll only talk if I have to. I am afraid of meeting people’s eyes because it feels like they’re looking through me and my vulnerable soul. You see, solitude has always been my security blanket, and without second thoughts, I’d choose being alone rather than being in a crowd. When I met up with Ate Aly and Ate Ales, I told them that I’m too scared to face the readers and I honestly thought of going home. I am always uncomfortable and anxious but yesterday was kind of different. My heart felt like it would burst any second and seeing the readers lining up for the event made it harder for me to breathe. I was getting dizzy as we walked into the room and I thought I was going to pass out when people focused their attention to us.
I was so close to crying and I didn’t know what to do. It was terrifying and overwhelming at the same time. I’ve been out from this kind of scene for so long yet they were still here . . . for me. In that moment, I realized I was being selfish. I was being overwhelmed by my anxiety that I forgot why I decided to do this—for you. For all the love and effort you’ve given me despite constantly reminding you that you should just love my stories and not me, getting out of my comfort zone is worth the risk. Seeing your excitement, your genuine smiles and my books on your trembling hands turned my fear into something worthwhile and special. I was scared but it was the kind of fear that I’d still want to feel even if it means allowing myself to be defenseless and vulnerable. We do not know each other personally but I want to protect your happiness even if my anxiety gets in the way. Why? Because you deserve to be treasured and appreciated.
I always say that I'm scared of good things because it feels like I don't deserve them and something bad will happen but you made me forget that for a while. Thank you for being my sanctuary. Thank you for existing. I hope you shine brighter.
In : Readers