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"I almost fell into a bottomless pit."

I was pretty sure I'm living a normal life. My day revolves around work, graduate school, home and the internet. It may be boring and monotonous in the eyes of people but I like this kind of routine. It's my comfort zone. My friends keep telling me that I should go out to explore places and meet people but I still chose to live in my own little world. Until one day, I encountered him.

It was hard not to notice him, especially with his intelligence and skills. My curiosity turned into a confusing interest. We talked to each other almost everyday and he gradually became a part of my life. Funny how curiosity could develop into a complicated feeling which I wasn't even familiar with.

And that was the problem.

I was on the edge. I was about to take a risk which wasn’t even my nature. Comfort and assurance were my disposition so stepping beyond my zone was a frightening decision. At the back of my mind, I knew the feeling I felt was a potential threat but I still inched closer, walking in careful steps toward him, until I reached the edge.

It felt surreal, looking over the uncertainties I’d have to come across. Excitement and fear coursed through my mind and body. Time seemed to be at standstill. It was tempting from afar yet when I stood right above it, all I could feel was terror because there was something wrong. Luckily, being a coward and suspicious person stopped me from jumping into an abyss because I realized I’d be the only one hurting . . . falling.

No one was there to catch me.

It turned out that the person I thought would be there was waiting below a different cliff. Not this one. And not for me.

For the first time, I felt deeply hurt. Did I expect too much? Did I assume he felt the same way? Did he get tired of my presence?

My insecurities almost devoured me, pulling me into a chasm where nobody could save me. However, I realized I am more than that. I am more than a guy's choice.

I was already on the edge but I bravely took a step away. Yes, bravely. It wasn’t an act of cowardice. And jumping into that abyss even though knowing you’d just hurt yourself wouldn’t be bravery but foolishness and imprudence.

I was brave for accepting my defeat. I was wise for not fighting a battle I couldn’t win. All I did was to step back.

Away from this confusing feeling.
Away from the what ifs.
Away from the imminent pain.

And it was the right decision.

People change. Feeling change. People who love you know might not feel the same way tomorrow, a week after or a year later. This was why I needed higher and thicker walls. I made a wrong decision but that won’t happen again because I need to protect my heart.

I need to protect myself because no else will. And no one else can.


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